musings on winter

I notice the winter months exude a quality that pervades my psyche in a predictable manner. It is a sort of introspection, increased propensity for self-criticism, and a higher potential to have thoughts in the realm of existential confusion.

Over the years, this reality plagued me. I would become increasingly resentful of the cold. I would pine for the days that had more light for longer periods of time. I suffered, and then self-inflicted further suffering due to my mental and emotional fusion to the resentment. I resisted reality, and thus, reality wasn’t pleasant. After all, if your psyche longs for something to not be true when after all it is true, the contradiction perpetuates too intense of a dissonance to reconcile.

I notice that these shorter, colder days are bringing me into periods of philosophical contemplation. Most specifically, the concept of discernment is arising. I am fascinated by the concept of each micro present moment informing future present moments. If this concept is aligned with reality, then this means that how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and micro decisions that I make all inform my future present moments. Furthermore, each moment of discernment can either solidify or tear apart my moral compass and value hierarchy. For example, if I determine that a certain amount of sleep is necessary to perform optimally for a day’s worth of creative work, and if I determine that optimal performance is at or near the top of my value hierarchy, then abiding by the sleep guideline on a single given night increases the probability that I will make the same decision the following day. I don’t think I can quantify that probabilistic increase, but it feels true to me anecdotally and intuitively.

This year I notice an ability to witness any difficult strings of thought or emotionality that are induced by winter circumstances. I am still fusing with it here and there, for minutes at a time, but I’ve become aware enough of the patterns to be able to cease playing tug of war with the mind after a few moments.

I’d like to set an intention to utilize the state of being that the winter months bring me to in a way that serves my current and future self. Specifically, I feel called to take moments of respite from doing…to simply notice the breath. Furthermore, I wish to write without an agenda — to allow the mind and the ineffable to team up amidst a linguistic landscape.

It feels comforting to shift from resistance to a place of strong surrender.