My Experience With Addiction: A Personal Anecdote

Some musings on my experience…

IT ALL STARTED WITH ALCOHOL

Drinking alcohol was just what we did. We would get together in my buddy’s basement and all just take shots. It’s what we did on weekends. I think the hope was that we would all get so drunk that we’d be comfortable expressing romantic interests in one another. At the very least, we just wanted a break from our boredom. Truthfully, I think we just did it out of default. There wasn’t much critical thinking involved.

Anyhow, I remember the first couple of times I got drunk. I didn’t start drinking alcohol by appreciating the taste and drinking one or two drinks. I started drinking by consuming as much as I could without getting sick. There was no perfect science, but I would have 4–8 drinks within the span of an hour. The taste was so bad that I would cringe and need to “chase” the liquor down with a sweet beverage. I wanted to get drunk so bad that the pain of the taste didn’t deter me.

Most high school and college nighttime events/parties entailed that type of behavior from then on. We would “pregame” the event, meaning we wouldn’t dare show up not already intoxicated in some shape or form, perhaps the reality of being sober was too daring a proposition. Drinking seemed to lighten things up, to justify erratic and bizarre behavior, and to give our social anxieties permission to disappear for a while.

Drinking made us dance and laugh. It made us horny and hopeful. Just for that night, we had a respite from boredom, fear, and that ubiquitous sense of discontentment that haunted us during school days. Little did I know…I was turning into a substance abuser.

The only way I consumed alcohol was by “binging.” A determination to only consume ‘one drink’ was never followed…in fact, one drink didn’t get me drunk enough to mask how shitty the alcohol was actually making me feel. In other words, one drink showed me exactly what I was doing to my mind and body; at least 8 drinks made me completely unaware and gave some sense of pleasure for an extended period of time.

In college, I would have 8 drinks or so for 2–3 nights a week. It was clearly weakening my immune system, affecting my study habits, disrupting focus and clarity of mind, interacting poorly with my antidepressants, causing acid reflux, inducing panic attacks, and more. What I wish I saw clearly was my inability to ‘moderate’.

MY LOVE OF STIMULATION

As my focus issues worsened, probably as a product of my drinking habits, sleep habits, and a poor, unmoderated relationship with technology and intake of digital information, I sought out the help of psychiatric stimulant drugs. In my case, the fix was ‘Focalin’ (Dexmethylphenidate). This pill was an extended release…the pill was designed to release in doses over time once consumed. Immediately, my focus sharpened in a very intense manner. My first test score after taking the drug was a 20 point improvement from the previous test. I found the fix, I found my drug.

However, the Focalin didn’t just improve my focus; it gave me this amazing sense of euphoria, excitement, and love of whatever activity I was participating in. Ironically, it also made me less anxious; because I was so focused on the task at hand, my mind wasn’t fluttering around to all sorts of usual anxieties and obsessions. I was taking the pills as prescribed (I was instructed to take the dose as needed, 5 hours apart, up to twice a day), but I knew I was fooling myself. Even if I wasn’t studying, I would take the pill to get “excited” about cleaning my house, watching a football game, reading a book, and more. I couldn’t go a day without taking the pill…I loved how about 3 minutes after taking it, I felt my heart rate increase as well as a rush of excitement in my head…everything came into clear focus. If I hadn’t been aware of it by then, my love of and craving for constant stimulation was born.

IRRITABILITY AND THE COME DOWN

While I may have been on cloud nine for the 5 hours the drug was in my system, the come down was rough. I would become irritable, short tempered, a shell of myself. Since my new norm was this constant excitement, anything short of that was such a let down, and I would be itching for that next high. I operated under the illusion that the drug made me a better version of myself, but I was just ‘feeling’ better about myself. During the come down, people actually didn’t love being around me. And on the drug, while I may have been charming, I was likely a bit too frenetic for most.

FLUSHING DOWN THE TOILET

Time and time again, I would ‘give up’ Focalin, knowing that I had no control over “following my own rules” with the drug. I knew I had a problem. I would flush the drugs down the toilet or have my then-girlfriend “hide” them for me. Somehow, though, I would go looking for the hidden drugs or I’d just call my psychiatrist for a new prescription…I was sure that this time, something was different…I’d be able to follow my own rules. The first dose or two back in the stimulation game was always the best…like THIS is what I’ve been depriving myself of?! After a while, the panic attacks, irritability, and dependence would kick back in, and I would flush or hide the drugs yet again.

SWEET, SEDUCTIVE GRASS

I took my first hit of a weed vape and joint at the age of 22 while I was in graduate school on Long Island. Oh goodness, this was the best of them all. Immediately, I had an explosion of creativity and ideas. Music sounded better, food tasted better. I began reading voraciously. I started writing poems and articles. I felt myself opening up spiritually, too, and began contemplating philosophy. It wasn’t long before weed became not only something that I used, but an actual part of my identity.

Most of all, the weed (especially sativas) induced that sense of euphoria and excitement that I relied so much on the Focalin for. But it was better than the Focalin in that it had this edge to it that led to creativity, spirituality, questioning, and curiosity. And at the time, it was really picking up steam in the medical and scientific world. It didn’t seem to lead to overdose, it didn’t kill people, for goodness sake, it was medicine. I eventually stopped taking my antidepressants and just smoked weed. My life seemed to be fantastic.

I wouldn’t go to school high, but would look forward to getting home and entering the world of curiosity and carefree-ness. When I ended up leaving my graduate program (due to discontentment with my program) and looking for my next path, I had some time on my hands. I began smoking from the moment I woke up to the last moment before bed. It was brilliant. I had a constant flow of ideas and excitement. I was more creative than ever. Soon, though, reality began rearing its ugly head. I should probably be thankful for the wake-up call.

I started having really intense panic attacks. Each time that I would smoke, I would instantly be gripped by fear and panic. I’d keep going though, framing it as an an opportunity to induce panic and learn how to face it more stoically. Eventually, I smoked myself into such darkness that I would have thoughts of not wanting to live — no intent of acting on that, but just a sense of hopelessness. I was smoking myself into panic and depression.

I moved back home to Michigan and stayed clean for about four months until I started smoking again. Months later, the same panic and sense of hopelessness began creeping in. The most potent moment for me was on Mother’s Day 2018. I spent the entire Mother’s Day just waiting to get home to get high. It didn’t make sense. I love my Mom. But I just needed to get high. That night I felt so ashamed. I was sitting there high, with thoughts of not wanting to live, in a state of panic when I looked at myself and said, “Fuck, you’re an addict, aren’t you?”

ADDICTION CAN BE FOUND IN THE RELATIONSHIP

I’m glad that marijuana is becoming less criminalized. And I am thrilled, really, that certain medical patients are finding relief (from seizures, for example) from a plant that is readily available to us. We are kidding ourselves, though, when we say that this substance is not “addictive.”

Stopping the use of marijuana does not lead to the same types of withdrawal symptoms that say, alcohol, heroin, or cocaine stoppage lead to. But I would like to suggest that addiction manifests itself when one cannot follow the rules that one sets for themselves in regards to frequency and quantity of using and consuming a substance. When the drug itself begins to manipulate your own value system and behavior, addiction begins to take shape. And weed is really, really tricky in this way. It is so effective and efficient — and from anecdotal experience, many more folks than just myself are not able to follow their own rules when it comes to this substance.

OTHER THOUGHTS

NOT WILLING TO BE BORED

Boredom is the bane of my existence. There’s this feeling of being trapped in this undesirable vortex that I just need to get out of. It’s the feeling of existing without a purpose, it just sucks. Substances gave me a respite from boredom.

MASKING EMOTIONAL PAIN

I don’t love feeling emotions, especially the sensation of being ‘hurt’. Using substances, especially ones that induce euphoria, gave me a way out of feeling emotion. OR, sometimes it would make me feel so much that it would just induce a release of emotion. It at least let me out of the ambiguity and work of sorting and trudging through my emotions. My only relapse since going clean in May 2018 was after a recent breakup this past May. Fortunately I only took one hit of weed on two consecutive days and quickly got clean again.

“IT’S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES”

Weddings, nights out at the bar, hanging out watching a movie at a friend’s place. Alcohol and marijuana are all around us. There is a serious risk of being different by not participating in the fun. For me, I can’t even be around weed smoke without being tempted. This does limit me in regards to the events I can partake in. I just need to remind myself of the magnitude of the potential consequences. I call myself an addict because it reminds me of how important it is for me to not revert to old behaviors.

SHORT ACTING VS. LONG ACTING

Sometimes people will ask me, “Brandon, you’re an addict, how can you continue to use psychiatric drugs?” I have learned that my addictions trend towards the drugs that medicate my immediate mood. Fortunately, my SSRI alters my serotonin levels in discrete, long term ways. The drugs that I have been addicted to in the past have all been geared at altering my state of mind immediately, because I couldn’t come to terms with my state of being in that present moment. Looking back, I was likely medicating mood instability with marijuana.

SO, WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO USE AGAIN?

This is one of those questions that I have set a hard-line answer to rather than incorporate nuance. The answer is an emphatic “no.”

THANKS FOR YOUR STORY BRANDON, BUT SO WHAT?!

Well, for starters, perhaps you have had a similar personal experience or have a loved one or acquaintance whom has dealt with a similar experience. But I think this topic is an important discussion point as we see marijuana become more readily available, both recreationally and medically. We can be in favor of a legalization of a substance while also outlining and being vigilant of its potential for psychological dependency. Marijuana offers a respite from boredom, induces euphoria (in sativa) or intense relaxation (in indica), and is used for social purposes and bonding. Weed was one of my vices…and it began to unravel my life. It certainly does not have this effect on everyone’s life who uses. We must all look in the mirror, and decide though, does this drug lead to a net positive or net negative in my life…and most importantly, can I follow the rules that I set for myself?

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I can be reached at brandon@WiseMindGentleSoul.com. Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences after reading this piece.